Sick Pub in Demon Baby Row:

*wow, this is a gem of british journalism. Btw, all the "acts" below are me but they've got the details a bit wrong*

A pub was branded Britain's sickest boozer yesterday - before it even opens its doors.
Drinkers at the Bizarre Bar will see acts like fighting Siamese twins who "cut" themselves apart and a crop haired blonde who gives birth to Satan on a bed of nails.

The £300,000 pub opens at Southend-on Sea on Friday and has already attracted thousands of enquiries from wierdos all over the country. Other treats on offer in the seafront pub's "Obscene Bar" include having nails driven through punters' noses, glass-eating competitions and chainsaw juggling.

There are also a series of mock body mutilation acts. In one, raunchy sirens dressed in metal bikinis use tools to "drill" through their chrome-clad knickers. Other painful acts feature the use of angle grinders and blowtorches, while bleeding ballerinas pirouette in agony.

Outraged Southend East MP Sir Teddy Taylor stormed yesterday: "I don't think this sort of obscene nonsense will succeed. This will be bad for the town and bad for business in general." Regular club and pub goer Eliza McKenzie, 35, of nearby Leigh-on-Sea, added: "I like to go out with my pals, but we don't want to see this. What's the town coming to?"

Bizarre Bar promoter Neil Heather shrugged off criticism, saying: "we're going to have weird stuff. This is going to be a freak show bar. We've got a 2am licence, but it's not a club - entry is free and we're going to push the boundaries of what we can to do the limit.

Dick Durham for the Daily Star, 1st March 1999